The One Step Back That Precedes Two Steps Forward

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ready to Fall

I'm not all that great at starting stories so here it goes, my name is _________ and I'm stuck in a rut.  For too long now I've lived exactly the way a more productive, idealistic version of myself vowed I never would.  Out of shape physically and mentally while I ingest the dual drugs of television and suburbia-induced self pity.  My name is ________ and I'm ready to change.  This is not the crusade to change the world that I promised myself I would have started by now.  In fact, this is about blocking out the world and all its infinite excuses and distractions.  Yes, we're in quite the economic slump making employment for my generation a greater challenge than it has been in a long time.  Yes, there are hundreds of thousands of boomerang just like me, over-educated, under-motivated, and growing more disillusioned by the day that the bright, successful future that was promised to us in exchange for doing things the "right way" is never going to materialize.  But this isn't about us, the Fight Club generation of no greater purpose.  Its about me.

I'm well aware of the narcissism that radiates from that statement.  I've always been the first one to sacrifice for those around me, to give up my time, energy and emotion so that others may have a better life.  What I didn't understand was that I was compensating for a dissatisfaction with my own life.  With my own self.  And that has profoundly affected my ability to be an asset to anyone.  The time has come for drastic measures.  The time has come for Operation Cocoon.

When I look at the things that have fallen by the way side during my long, slow descent into mediocrity, I name them the way an alcoholic names the regrets he's lost in his battle.  My health, my passion, my artistic ability (both in writing and music), my ambition, my confidence and my belief.  Most of all, however, I have lost my present.  As depressing as this may sound, its not what's important.  What's important is that I can reclaim my future.

Over the next month plus I will attempt to do so by dislodging myself from the world around me for awhile.  My world will consist of the job, school, gym, garage, newspaper, and desk in front of me.  Except for the most important of things (checking on the well being of loved ones, for instance) I will be off facebook, missing from post-work hang outs, and somewhere out of sight on Saturday nights.  I'm still available by call or text but for the most part I will be wrapped in a cocoon.  I don't yet know when I'll emerge, only time will tell.  For those of you for whom this is a disappointment, I'm sorry.  For everyone who could care less, I understand.  Either way, I'll catalog the journey here for all the read.  Stay thirsty for life, my friends.